[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.