Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I’m going to need a moment here.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
me and my fake scenarios