[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Many hands make light work
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.