[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A small tragedy.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯