[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.