“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.