[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My god she’s good.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue