[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.