What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited