I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
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Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
#Caturday
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)