I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.