I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Ha.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.