Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
This could be us but you eatin’
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Love this one 😂🧟
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”