Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
You Might Also Like
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Autocorrect completely socks
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.