Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
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at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
We like the way Dwight thinks
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.