[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
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A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense