*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
You Might Also Like
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Raisins are grape jerky.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
men, we mow at sunrise.