[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
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Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero