[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I can also cook 😂
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Not recommended for beginners.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out