[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.