*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button