[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time