*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn鈥檛 leave him any money last night and I鈥檓 upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
馃敠馃寵馃懀
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Good things come to those who don鈥檛 make mommy lose her shit.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
8yr old: I鈥檓 teaching myself sign language and I鈥檓 so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It鈥檚 the middle finger! I can鈥檛 use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That鈥檚 fair.