Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
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[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.