[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.