*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it