*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
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The best plant holders?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
going to the ER y’all need anything
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
No laws when master is gone
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.