*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*