*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.