*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
A game married people play.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Something Saturday.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*