[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Simple
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Donkey Kong sommelier
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Life is a suicide mission.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]