[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)