[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.