*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Whoa 😂
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.