*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Feel. He’s so soft.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.