*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car