yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?