*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye