*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Brands during Pride
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg