*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Every work meeting this week
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?