*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T