BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.