[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan