Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Oh boy, $150,000!
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Sooo many times…..
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’