I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
You Might Also Like
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
#oldknees
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Jupiter
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.