Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Hey I worked for it too!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat