[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”