[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
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The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My neck my back my allergy attack
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.