Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.