If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
You Might Also Like
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.